Red River Retreat

October 7th, 2005

By Justin Waganer
Senior Sports Writer

In a statement released this evening Bob Stoops has announced that Oklahoma has decided to forego this weekend’s matchup with Texas and stay home to play Norman High School. Stoops declared his team’s wishes to stay away from the big stage where they have failed so often lately and not be embarrassed by the best college football team of all time, the 2005 Texas Longhorns. Brent Venables suggested to Stoops to not play the game after failing to come up with a gameplan to stop Superman in Burnt Orange, Vince Young.

The Oklahoma coaching staff voiced their displeasure to the Big 12 for allowing a team to play with five very agile mountains on their offensive line. “The fact that they allowed the Longhorns to field half of the Rocky Mountains to block for Vince Young is a tragedy,” an angry Chris Wilson said after watching film of the natural wonders. The complaining by the defensive staff didn’t end there.

“Big 12 and NCAA regulations clearly state that it is illegal to start a Superhero at quarterback during a regulation game,” remarked veteran defensive backs coach Bobby Jack Wright. And sure enough, Wright is right. Page 457, Article 7, Paragraph C clearly states, “Any team attempting to play a superhero, demigod, or werewolf will be dealt stiff penalties by the league office, no questions asked.” Attempts to reach commissioner Kevin Weiberg failed as of press time.

Vince Young, who has requested to be called SBO (see paragraph one), was not surprised by the announcement. “I knew that they wouldn’t come, just when I got confident. Everyone knows that the last few years I was a very unconfident superman, but now I’m sure of myself. Have you ever seen a superhero without confidence? Did you see that movie Daredevil? That sucked. That was me before, a sorry Ben Affleck, but now I’m like Toby Maguire, a real superhero.”

When told that Maguire also played an oversized jockey, Young declined to comment. If you’ve kept reading this far you realize the ridiculousness of this article, much the same as the false bravado out of Austin this week. While Texas should and probably will win this game, this false confidence is nauseating. How can one team who has been dominated so completely for five years be so sure of themselves? Answer, they’re not.

If I hear one more time how impervious to pressure and unwilling to lose Vince Young is it’s going to send me over the edge. Those things are alright to say about Michael Jordan after six NBA titles or Joe Montana after four Super Bowls, not Vince Young after beating two good Big 10 teams. Young is really good with the potential to be great, but he has more weaknesses than just kryptonite. Let’s see if he really has grown up and developed a mature passing game. If he has, then we can start talking Heisman, but don’t say they’ve removed the monkey from their back until it’s sitting down with a banana, ok?

Enjoy the Shootout, I can’t pick Texas until they win one, OU brings back the ghost of John Blake with a 30-27 overtime thriller.

Entry Filed under: Sooners